Anyway, as "the cyclist" I am often asked questions like;
"What bike should I buy?"
"Why do you shave your legs?"
"Will you please stay away from the children?"
Okay, the last may be due to the spandex. But one question I seem to field whenever someone learns of my addiction is;
"What races do you do?"
And my answer ("I don't race") always seems to disappoint. I guess they want me to tell about my experience in the Tour de France, but seriously, amateur racing is just a waste of effort in my mind. It breaks down into three categories:
1) Criteriums
2) Road Races
3) Time Trials
Let's hit them one at a time and I'll explain why they're stupid, sound good? Okay, let's begin.
1) Criteriums - these are raced over a small loop course, usually 1-4 miles in length, with the race covering either a set amount of time or a set number of laps. It's closest cousin would be a NASCAR race. Well, with less rednecks and more spandex. But with pretty much the same number of crashes. The last crit I entered, someone actually managed to crash going uphill. No turn. No great speed. Just, apparently, decided to fall over. Awesome. I'll leave these to the critters.
2) Road Races - these are point A to B races, typically covering 75-120 miles, oftentimes with several days in a row (known as stages). I think these would be quite fun, but I have a problem with...
Let's hit them one at a time and I'll explain why they're stupid, sound good? Okay, let's begin.
1) Criteriums - these are raced over a small loop course, usually 1-4 miles in length, with the race covering either a set amount of time or a set number of laps. It's closest cousin would be a NASCAR race. Well, with less rednecks and more spandex. But with pretty much the same number of crashes. The last crit I entered, someone actually managed to crash going uphill. No turn. No great speed. Just, apparently, decided to fall over. Awesome. I'll leave these to the critters.
2) Road Races - these are point A to B races, typically covering 75-120 miles, oftentimes with several days in a row (known as stages). I think these would be quite fun, but I have a problem with...
- Ending up somewhere other than where I started. All my shit was there at the start. You know, like my wallet, and car, and shorts for hiding my spandex shame. Now I am at the finish and my shit is 120 miles away. This pisses me off.
- Racing multiple days. I have never, in my life, finished a race and thought "wow, I wish I got to do that again tomorrow". Nope, my thoughts are more concerned with not vomiting and how soon I can shower. And, as I am not a pro racer, I actually have a job. So I would take vacation for a race? Nope nope nope nope nope.
Which brings us to...
3) Time Trials - okay, this is the simplest. Just you against the clock over a measured course. You aren't racing the other cyclists, in fact, you aren't allowed to get too close lest you get a beneficial draft. There is something about the simplicity and purity of it that does appeal to me, but I just can't get over a few things. I have a clock. I can choose a course. Why the fuck do I need to show up at some specific location, at some specific time, to wait around for a lot of other douchebags to ride so I can do a time trial????? I can also just roll out my driveway, start the timer on my watch and ride. And I am a big enough douchebag on my own, I don't need any more around.
But the biggest thing that guts any effort to race, no matter the format, is that is strips all fun out of riding my bike. Suddenly, what were previously rides become training, either hard efforts to increase my speed/endurance or recovery rides to all the efforts to stick. Either one is not nearly as fun as, you know, just riding.
But say I do put in all that effort and become the best, fastest bike racer I could possibly be, fulfilling all my genetic potential, I could, maybe, win some of these entry level races. And then the riches and fame would be all mine. Yep, a $50 gift certificate, a pair of socks, and a 1 sentence mention in the local paper that misspells my name 3 different ways. Well, when I put it like that, I better go start training!
3) Time Trials - okay, this is the simplest. Just you against the clock over a measured course. You aren't racing the other cyclists, in fact, you aren't allowed to get too close lest you get a beneficial draft. There is something about the simplicity and purity of it that does appeal to me, but I just can't get over a few things. I have a clock. I can choose a course. Why the fuck do I need to show up at some specific location, at some specific time, to wait around for a lot of other douchebags to ride so I can do a time trial????? I can also just roll out my driveway, start the timer on my watch and ride. And I am a big enough douchebag on my own, I don't need any more around.
But the biggest thing that guts any effort to race, no matter the format, is that is strips all fun out of riding my bike. Suddenly, what were previously rides become training, either hard efforts to increase my speed/endurance or recovery rides to all the efforts to stick. Either one is not nearly as fun as, you know, just riding.
But say I do put in all that effort and become the best, fastest bike racer I could possibly be, fulfilling all my genetic potential, I could, maybe, win some of these entry level races. And then the riches and fame would be all mine. Yep, a $50 gift certificate, a pair of socks, and a 1 sentence mention in the local paper that misspells my name 3 different ways. Well, when I put it like that, I better go start training!
