Thursday, April 29, 2010

It'll probably kill you...

The other day I was reading an environmental report on a building (I was at work, this is not the way I while away my leisure time, I don't do anything nearly that exciting) and was surprised, as always, at how pervasive asbestos used to be.  In tile, in insulation, in glue, in tape.  It seemed to be used in most everything except food.  Anyway, it got me wondering what the next common household item will be found to drastically increase your risks for cancer / heart attack / spontaneous human combustion.  You know, the kind of thing that in 10 or 20 years people will look back and say things like "Can you believe they used to put lead in paint?" "Do you remember how, when we were kids, no one ever used a car seat or bike helmet?" or "I can't understand why people ever thought drano was a good children's toy." Oh, maybe that last one only happened in my family.  Anyway, here's my list of guesses:

1) Lithium Ion Batteries: They're in everything; laptops, cellphones, and now cars.  And we've already seen that they can randomly explode.  Given Toyota's stellar safety record, how long until the new plug-in Priuses (Prii?  Priora? Priores?) begin exploding in balls of flame, incinerating their carbon neutral, greenie occupants (not so carbon neutral now!)?
2) Wireless Networks: Ah, the freedom they gave us to no longer be tied to ethernet cables!  Shame about the massive brain tumors they caused!
3) Bluetooth Headsets: No real reason for this one, just think of the irony if they were found to make you sterile, since using one makes you look like a huge dick.  Mmmmm, delicious irony.
4) Organic Food: Another one for the irony, but I can imagine a discussion in the future:
"Can you believe people used to actually pay MORE for organic food, that was processed less?"
"I know, right, how crazy can people be?  Didn't they understand that natural just means it is trying to eradicate those organisms that stand in the way of the growth of its species.  Like, say, it's main predator, man?  No way, just hand me another McDonalds brand steripak antimicrobo-meal.  Ooh, dehydrated, radiated, macerated, rehydrated, freeze-dried beef!  Yum!"

For right now, my money's on Li-Ion batteries, but my heart wants the headsets.

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