Parenting Craps

Once again, dear reader, we delve into the world of worthless, stupid, and needlessly complex (not to mention expensive) baby products.  The topic this week?  Cleaning your child.

Yes, unfortunately, no matter how high tech your wipes and diligent you are about changing their clothes, eventually, after a month or two at least, your child will need to be cleaned.  

Now, you have many options.  You could shower with them, but then you have a small, slippery, wet, squirming item you're trying not to drop.  It's like showering with an oiled watermelon, but much less hilarious (and delicious) if/when you drop it.  You could bathe it in the bath, but the tub is kind of big and the baby is, in case you didn't notice, kind of small.  

So, if you're with me thus far, we've entered the world of baby bathtubs.  Now, you could buy a cheap and simple plastic tub that sets in the tub, fills from the spout, and drains with the innovative "dump it out" technology.  This would cost about $12, and would obviously show to the world that you may like your baby, but don't really love them.  

No, if you really, really loved your little one, you would spring for something that would get them clean while also showing your love and devotion.  You know, something like this:

No, your eyes aren't playing tricks, it's a whirlpool bath for an infant.  Once again, in case you're brain refused to process that the first time around, a whirlpool bath... for an infant.  Yes, I am baffled as well.  And just for those of you who think I scoured the internet to find this obscure and almost non-existent product, they're disturbingly common.  Seriously.

Really?  Does your baby need the bubbles to massage their stress away?  With a normal tub they are gently hand-washed from head to toe, carefully dried off and then dressed in clean clothing.  This isn't luxury enough? 

But, if even a jacuzzi bath just isn't extravagant enough for your special little one, you can always combine the bath with another item, to have the double benefit of making them both less functional while also more expensive.  Yes, something like a combination changing table and bathtub.  

The bathtub is under the changing table... in one of the drawers maybe?

And all for the low, low price of $892!

But, if you really want to be on the cutting edge of bathing, what all the cool parents are using is the Spa Baby, a "european style baby bath".  Because Europeans are so well known for their personal care standards.  It's a lot like a bucket... in fact, almost exactly like a bucket:

In case you're confused, the Spa Baby is the one with the baby in it.  As far as I can see, the only difference between the Spa Baby and a bucket is that with the Spa Baby you don't get a handle.  Oh, and it costs $41 more than the bucket.  Yeah, that makes sense.  No better way to show your love for your child than buying unnecessary and expensive crap.  Me?  I'm waiting for the Travel Spa Baby.  It's only $67.  And it's got a handle, for bathing on the go!