Anyway, through our struggles, failures, mishaps, and failures (there were enough to merit inclusion twice) we did learn a few lessons in road tripping with a 1 year old that I am now going to attempt to pass onto you, dear reader.
Tulibo's 6 Step Guide to a Relaxing and Trouble Free Road Trip with a 1 Year Old:
Step 1) Leave the child at home. Seriously, they aren't going to remember the trip anyway. You can always tell them they came, they're not going to know. If you're really concerned just invest in Photoshop and you can drop them into a few vacation pics to prove they were there.
Step 2) So, you've ignored step 1 and brought your child along. Congratulations, and welcome to hell. But hey, this isn't so bad. You're on the road, they're napping in the back, you're making good time. Uh oh. They woke up. Now, you may think you should stop, change their diaper, feed them, and continue on your merry way. Resist this urge. Remember, this is not a human you are dealing with, this is a toddler. Once you free them from that carseat they will not happily return. At least not without an hour of running and playing first. Therefore, if you have any desire of arriving before the end of your vacation, resist the urge to stop at the first stirring. Put some miles in while you have the chance, push on until they're making their unhappiness known from the back seat, because soon enough you'll find yourself spending more time in a fast food restaurant than is healthy. Which brings us to...
Step 3) Don't stop at a fast food restaurant. Yes, on previous 'pre-child' (a.k.a fun) road trips, Burger King was your best friend. Well, no longer. Now you have a little person who wants to walk around, crawl a bit, and generally touch (and taste) everything within 30 inches of the floor. Now, the next time you're in a fast food establishment, take a good look at the dining area floor. You know what, just go ahead and lick it. Oh, don't want to? Then don't let your child either. Now, I can see you out there thinking to yourself "I don't eat fast food, I am an evolved and sophisticated traveller. My body is a temple, that's why I eat at Applebee's/O'Charlie's/Houlihans/Chuckie McFoodieStuff's/Uncle Fattie's House of Burgerdogs/etc."
Well, Mr. Smartypants (or Mrs. or Ms. or Dr. as the case may be) how do you plan on letting your child run around for the 30 to 60 minutes it is going to take for them to burn enough energy to accept once again being strapped into the car? Do you think the waitress is going to allow you to sit and sip on your water for 40 minutes after your check is paid? She's got to get new butts in those seats, her tattoos aren't going to pay for themselves you know.
No, when you are traveling, be on the lookout for yuppie-ish enclaves, places where you can leisurely enjoy a meal and sit for a while afterwards undisturbed, where they have a beverage menu rather than a soda fountain, the kind of place where the floor may have been cleaned since 1973. I'm talking about Panera/Starbucks/Hipsterville Cafe/etc. There you will find you can enjoy a relaxed lunch while the little one toddles around, pleasant staff that are just pleased you won't be taking the table to mooch free wifi and "work on your novel" while making your $3 latte last all day, and nice touches like floors that aren't sticky, bathrooms with changing tables that haven't been ripped from the wall (assuming they were ever installed to begin with), and toilet paper that is not reminiscent of sandpaper (hey, mom and dad need pampering too).
Step 4) Don't rely overmuch on technology. You may have the car decked out with all the latest gizmos and widgets; a rear seat DVD infotainment unit, a white noise generator, and the latest in GPS military spec satellite radar/lidar guidance systems. But one faulty battery, one missed signal, one overeager guidance shortcut and you can find yourself listening to the sweet sound of static radio harmonized by your screaming child as you bounce along a dark, rutted, and icy gravel "shortcut" in the middle of nowhere. Trust me, I've been there:
Do yourself and your child a favor, bring a couple nice, simple, non-electronic toys. Just in case it all goes to hell at least you can cuddle a doll when your car loses a wheel and you have to wait in the freezing rain for a local hillbilly to find and rape you.
Step 5) Upon arrival, do whatever is possible to maintain your child's habits. If they always eat dinner at five, by god, get that food in them by five. If they take two naps a day, plan your schedule around it. If they always sleep in a room of their own and you find yourself in a single room... well, sometimes you need to improvise...
Look, I'm not necessarily proud that we had our daughter sleep in the bathroom, but the point is she did sleep. Better a sleeping baby by the toilet than a crying baby in a palace. Hmm, I think that may be the name of my next childcare guide.
Step 6) Please, just leave your child at home. Seriously. Just look how easy it is to use photoshop to create lasting family memories of your "together" time.
Here's Kiki skiing with us in Utah:
Here's Kiki enjoying the sun in Costa Rica:
And here's Kiki at our wedding, 3 years before she was born.
hahahaa!!!
ReplyDeletefreaking awesome, thanks for that.
ReplyDelete