Tasteless

Mayhap you've heard of this new phenomenon, the supertaster.  These are people who have ultra sensitive taste, caused by a surplus of fungiform papilla, a.k.a. taste buds.  To such individuals, everything tastes, well, more.  Salt is saltier, meat is meatier, chees-its are, as difficult as this is to believe, even cheesier.  Apparently, this is a 'scientific' explanation for why people are "picky" eaters.  To which I say bullshit, eat your fucking vegetables and quit your bitching.  Yeah, it is going to be fun when Kiki starts refusing foods, no?

In other flavor news, there's a new taste as well!  Nevermind sweet, salty, bitter, or sour.  No, now there's umami.  It is sometimes described as delectableness, deliciousness, or savoriness, which is not really helpful at all, but supposedly soy sauce and meat are oozing umami out of their pores.  

In short, food marketers hadn't had a new taste to sell in several decades, so they mined the internet and found that the Japanese had another taste name, and now they're using it to try to sell food.  Think about it, seeing "Soy Sauce, it's liquid salt" doesn't make you want to rush out and buy some, but "Soy Sauce, it has umami" makes you feel sophisticated and intelligent for knowing what the fuck they're saying, so you should probably buy a gallon or two.  

But this is just the tip of an approaching taste tsunami.  Soon we will be told we must pay attention to the tastes of spicy and juicy, then ooey and gooey, and shortly we will be told to try to taste the flavor crystalization and bubbaliciousness of our dinners.  I, for one, can't wait.  Partly because I am a total sucker for marketing (New AND Improved? I should probably buy two then), but mainly because I am what is known, apparently, as a non-taster, though if Latin taught me anything, it should be subtaster, but maybe that just sounded like an unfortunate Subway job description.  

Though it is a bit depressing to learn that this handicap of mine has a name, and a grammatically incorrect one at that, it does explain a lot.  Like why I enjoy coffee the consistency of motor oil, scotch that causes your eyebrows to singe and fall out, and, periodically, chewing on dirty diapers. They're packed with ooey, gooey, and bubbaliciousness.  Not to mention flavor crystals out the ass, no pun intended.