Come On People

Well, I was going to do a post about this new product to hit the market from the good people at Hammacher Schlemmer:

It's a rearview camera.  For your bicycle.  Yep.  Because I often back up my bicycle and am constantly hitting things in my blind spot.  Fine, okay, I know it's so you can see the drunk redneck in the '82 Chevy pick-em-up truck before he smashes into you.  But here's the thing, see, it doesn't help.  You'll either be ditching into the sidewalk whenever anyone passes you or you'll learn to ignore it and still be squished.  Don't get me wrong, as a cyclist the fact that people are hit by cars constantly makes me angry/scared/slightly gassy (though that could have more to do with my bean enchilada lunch than cycling accidents).  But this in one thing we cannot solve through technology.  


However, in researching this post (a.k.a. fucking around online), I started looking at some of the other things offered by Hammacher Schlemmer for sale, and realized the rearview bike camera is just the tip of the iceberg.  As in they actually sell a fucking iceberg:

And for only nine grand?  How have I lived without it?  And it just gets more ridiculous and expensive.  Like this recumbent for a mere $40,000:

Or the $350,000 animatronic dinosaur:

Although, for the same price you can get a flying car.  Not sure which is more useless.  And, in case all of those are just way too useful and inexpensive, for a mere $2 million, you can get this:

Yep, your own personal submarine.  

Well, I now realize that the target market for Hammmlhecher Shlemmmmmlemer is idiot billionaires.  With that in mind, I have a proposed product to replace the rearview bicycle camera.  In lieu of an electronic aid, I will personally ride behind you on your bicycle, warn you of any upcoming vehicles, and even throw myself in the path of any potential collisions.  Yes, for the low, low price of, let's say $1,000,000, you can purchase your own personal Bike Butler TM*.  Hey, it's that or half a submarine, and that's just dumb.


*note, there is no guarantee of your personal safety while using the Bike Butler, failure to stop an actual collision is no fault of Bike Butler, absolutely no refunds provided, Bike Butler requires you to provide a top of the line bicycle for his personal use, Bike Butler not available in all areas, Bike Butler reserves the right to ignore you while riding if you are a total dickweed, which you probably are if paying for Bike Butler.