Summer Reading List

A friend is newly pregnant and we decided to lend them some of our parenting books to help them begin building a crippling fear of failure as a parent.  I mean, you can't do this on your own, right?  


Anyway, we pulled them together and had about 22 that my wife had read and, well, the one that I read.  Well, I read most of it.  Alright, half of it.  Okay, I got through pregnancy, birth, and the first four months.  I think the scope of the book went from conception through college acceptance.  I mean, I got the gist of it, I flipped through to check out any pictures.  And for the record, there were no pictures.  


I know, can you blame me for giving up on it?  Seems to me like the book was making some dangerous assumptions of my prior knowledge. The author apparently assumed that I am a man who knows what a baby looks like, who can decipher the fine art of swaddling through words alone, and who can apply a diaper without a 17 stage illustrated manual and accompanying video walkthrough.  Needless to say, I quickly realized that this was not a parenting guide aimed at me, and took the responsible route of casting it aside and just winging it.  


Now, this may not be the advised approach to parenting, and it doesn't sell many books, but so far it seems to be working okay... 

Hmmm, maybe I should have read the chapter about not eating your young.  But then again, she does seem to enjoy it.  And she is delicious.

How To Determine the Proper Parenting Style for You.

Well, you've mastered the diaper change, gotten feeding under control, and may, just maybe, have had a few nights of uninterrupted sleep.  Now comes the big decision, what type of parent are you going to be?  There are thousands of books, millions of websites, and billions of other parents who are just dying to tell you how to do it, and warn that any deviation from their method will result in a sociopathic child.  Well, I'm here to put all your fears to rest.  My simple, 5 question test will quickly and accurately tell you which approach to parenting will work for you and your child:


1) Your child is crying.  Do you:


A) Pick them up immediately, hold them, coddle them, and smother them in kisses and praise.  Continue until they tell you to stop or turn 18.


B) Ignore them.  They'll figure out eventually how to fix what's ailing them on their own, after all, you're never too young to learn how to reset a dislocated elbow.


C) I don't know that I can answer definitively with so little information, I mean, what are the circumstances?  Is she hurt?  Then I'm absolutely comforting her.  Is she just cranky or bored, then maybe I'll let her cry a little bit and see if she resolves it on her own.


2) It's bedtime. Do you:


A) Sleep with your child in the same bed, always there to comfort, breast feed, and smother in love.  Continue until the child tells you to stop or turns 18. 


B) Put child in crib.  Close door.  Ignore all crying, screaming, and whimpering until morning.  Alternately, get infant an apartment of their own, it's never too early to learn self-reliance.  


C) Well, I don't know again.  I mean, I guess sleeping on their own would be nice, and we will all probably sleep better, but if she isn't having it, I don't know that I'm totally against sleeping in the same room, at least for a little while.  


3) Time to go to the Pediatrician.  Do you:


A) Defer all immunizations until your child contracts the disease.  No one dies from tuberculosis anyway.


B) Demand that the pediatrician combines all the immunizations needed for the first ten years into one mega-shot.  For best results, make your child self-administer it.


C) I think I'll talk with the pediatrician and take their advice pretty seriously, since they went to, what, 15 years of medical school, and have since dedicated their lives to helping infants, and deal with these issues every single day.  


4) Your child is hungry.  Do you:


A) Breast feed.  Nothing but breast feeding.   Again, repeat until they ask you to stop or turn 18.


B) First off, if it is not a designated feeding time they will just have to wait until the next scheduled eating period.  We're not running a 24 hour diner here.  And breast feeding?  Ha, we'll give them something they can really use.  Like a steak.  Oh, and don't cook it, let them figure out how to turn on the stove.  


C) Feed them.  Something.  I mean, breast feeding is great, if it works for the mother and child, but at some point you've got to stop.  And then, I guess formula, if they still need it, or food of some sort.  


5) Your child is misbehaving.  Do you:


A) Hug them and calmly explain that their behavior is brilliant and wonderful.  Breast feed them.  If behavior is really bad (stealing, hitting, murder), maybe kindly ask them if they would enjoy possibly redirecting their energies in another direction, but only if they want to.    


B) Tell them no.  Firmly, clearly, and often.  If this fails, tell them they are a disappointment and send them to their room/apartment.  


C) Well, what are they doing?  Are they just being somewhat annoying, or are they acting in a seriously violent/destructive manner?  How could one response possibly correct for all misbehavior?  Should the courts just have one verdict for all crimes?





Please put down your #2 pencil and await results.


If you answered all A's:


Congratulations, you're what is known as an "attachment" style parent.  Your child will grow up nurtured, loved, and emotionally fulfilled.  They may die of tetanus, but then every rose does have it's thorn.


If you answered all B's:


Congratulations, you're what's known as a "babywise" style parent.  Your child will grow up independent, strong, and resilient.  They may become a psychopathic murderer, but as they say, you can't make an omelet without turning a few eggs into psychopathic murderers. 


If you had any mix of A and B or, god forbid, any C's:


You are obviously unfit to parent, attempting to apply logic and thought to a process that should be marked by blind adherence to a theory created by an author primarily motivated by profit and personal gain.  Your child is doomed.  You should just do everyone a favor and drop them off at the fire station now.  

Read my book and your baby will be happy, healthy, sleep through the night, learn to walk, talk and perform advanced calculus by 2 months of age!

Ah, the baby books. What a pile of crap. Here's the thing, no one will buy books titled "Chances are, your baby is average (or damn close to it)", "Your baby is probably okay" or "It's a baby!: Relax and just love it already". So instead the shelves are filled with titles like "How to make your baby sleep through the night" (chapter 4: your new best friend benedryl) and "Baby genius: How YOUR baby can have a 200 IQ" (step 1: choose a freakishly smart partner. Also, be freakishly smart yourself. DO IT!). All the books are filled with tons of information on what NOT to do. Here's a hint, if it's something every parent does, then, yeah, it'll be listed. You hold your baby!!! Wrong, wrong, wrong, now they'll never go to Harvard. You do/don't breastfeed!?!?! Kiss Stanford goodbye as well. You use plastic diapers instead of our patented diapering system (why is it always a system?)!?!?!? Well, maybe your child will earn their GED. Assuming they succeed in the drug rehab program. In prison.

I set out to write a baby book of my own, working title "Stop reading fucking books and just love your child" but soon realized my chances of resounding commercial success may be limited. I'm thinking of changing the title to "STOP RIGHT NOW: 1,432 things you are doing RIGHT THIS MOMENT that will ruin your child's hopes for happiness". Sadly, it will probably be a runaway bestseller.