More Food Crimes Against Nature

As a follow up on my recent post about spray foods (and thanks to Bridget) I bring you....

The Candwich

Yes, let the preemptive vomiting begin.

It comes in peanut butter with grape or strawberry jelly, barbeque chicken, and a pepperoni pizza pocket sandwich amalgam from hell.  It's perfect for soccer moms, cyclists, and an isolated post-apocalyptic survivalist.  So, basically, whichever of my career choices I follow, the candwich fits right in.

Ah, science, what hath thou wrought now?  Now, just because you can do something (no pun intended), doesn't mean you should.  I could can bread, probably, but I don't, because that would be gross.  Wait, what?

Well fuck.  Where is this bunch of assholes with a cannery and too much free time?  Get another hobby, dammit, and stop canning random things.  Please.  Before you get really out of hand.  Oh shit, too late.

Well, at least they're Manhattan Style.  Now New England style canned fish assholes?  That would be gross.

Give me more stuff in a tube!

I was perusing the aisles of the local mega-mart and came across this glorious concoction:

Yes, Batter Blaster!  Oops, make that ORGANIC Batter Blaster.  Because god forbid your pancake/waffle batter in a spray can is somehow unnatural.  It's produced by the Batter Blaster Company of sunny Scottsdale, Arizona.  And frankly, I feel like they're seriously limiting their opportunities to sell foods in a can.  Personally, I would have named it the Food In a Can Company.  We would go by FICCo internally.  Yes, this is yet another reason I am not in charge of my own company.

Anyway, to review our pressurized food offerings to date, whipped cream and spray cheese led the pressurized food charge.  I'm glad to see pancake batter finally getting in on the game, but frankly I'm disappointed that this is all we've seen.  Where's our spray peanut butter and jelly?  How about chocolate chip cookie dough?  Or maybe italian sausage meat?  Yeah, this future is disappointing me as well.

It's hard to make out in the photo, but the serving suggestions on the bottom of the label suggest that you "Simply blast batter into a skillet or waffle iron.  No cleanup!"

Really?

When else have the words "blast" and "no cleanup" ever gone together?  Nope, you're going to have batter blasted everywhere.  On the ceiling.  In your hair.  Somehow behind the refrigerator.  Pretty much everywhere except your skillet or waffle iron.

Does this temper my love for this product?  Hell no, I'll take massively inferior product if it comes in a can.  Face it, spray cheese is horrific, whipped cream in a can tastes about 1/10th as delicious as true whipped cream, and these sprayed pancakes have a soupy texture coming out of the can and an odd chemical aftertaste, but I bought the damn stuff anyway, because I'm doing all I can to usher in a future filled with chemically processed pressurized foodstuffs.