Read my book and your baby will be happy, healthy, sleep through the night, learn to walk, talk and perform advanced calculus by 2 months of age!

Ah, the baby books. What a pile of crap. Here's the thing, no one will buy books titled "Chances are, your baby is average (or damn close to it)", "Your baby is probably okay" or "It's a baby!: Relax and just love it already". So instead the shelves are filled with titles like "How to make your baby sleep through the night" (chapter 4: your new best friend benedryl) and "Baby genius: How YOUR baby can have a 200 IQ" (step 1: choose a freakishly smart partner. Also, be freakishly smart yourself. DO IT!). All the books are filled with tons of information on what NOT to do. Here's a hint, if it's something every parent does, then, yeah, it'll be listed. You hold your baby!!! Wrong, wrong, wrong, now they'll never go to Harvard. You do/don't breastfeed!?!?! Kiss Stanford goodbye as well. You use plastic diapers instead of our patented diapering system (why is it always a system?)!?!?!? Well, maybe your child will earn their GED. Assuming they succeed in the drug rehab program. In prison.

I set out to write a baby book of my own, working title "Stop reading fucking books and just love your child" but soon realized my chances of resounding commercial success may be limited. I'm thinking of changing the title to "STOP RIGHT NOW: 1,432 things you are doing RIGHT THIS MOMENT that will ruin your child's hopes for happiness". Sadly, it will probably be a runaway bestseller.