Why not just staple your baby to the mattress?

SIDS, the misunderstood, unpredictable, and tragic fear of every parent, and apparently a marketing bonanza to baby product manufacturers.  So far, the worst product I've come across is this:

Once again, like all crap baby products, it claims to be a "system."  Now, in my book, two pieces does not a system make.  But then, it does have a seal of approval from The National Parenting Center, although I really question the value of that since the first approved item I found on their website was Filemaker Pro, a computer organizational program... yeah, I'm confused myself.  First of all, how does that have anything to do with children?  Oh, your kids can use it to track and organize their baseball cards, but of course.  Okay then, second question, are there organizational computer programs that failed to get the TNPC seal of approval?  Did Excel pose a choking hazard?  Does quickbooks pose a risk of SIDS?  

But back to the Infant Sleep Safety System (hereafter known as IS3, or just balls).  Through careful inspection of the packaging, I was able to discern the secret of its SIDS prevention approach - it ties your baby on their back.  It appears to be a band that attaches around the mattress and a sleep bag that engages through the wondrous technology of velco (thanks George).  Yep, nothing a good ol' roll of duck tape couldn't accomplish.  But then that wouldn't be a system.  Okay, so a roll of duct tape and a onesie - presto!  The soon-to-be patented Baby Attachment Crib Helper Engagement System (B.I.T.C.H.E.S.)!  A quick review by the National Parenting Center and I'll be raking the money in... and saving lives, don't forget about saving lives.  

iPad Marketing Mumbojumbo

In case you missed it, because you've been living in a hole in the woods (everyone needs a hobby), Apple came out with a new technothingamajob.  Sorry, that's pretty specific terminology.  It's a gigantic iPhone.  Which is just the love child of a cellphone and an iPod.  So, basically, the iPad is the obese child of a mixed-technology marriage (sure, a cell & iPod could have a love-child without being married, but I think the iPod is better than that).  Anyway, that's great, good for Apple, more techno-toys is always a good thing, but then they rolled out their new commercial.  

Check it out, in case you haven't watched television in the past month.  Specifically, check out about 12 seconds in.  Yeah.  "It's magical".  No.  No it is not.  The iPad is not fucking magic.  

Seriously, Apple, this is the best your mammoth marketing team could come up with?  Magic?  Fucking MAGIC?!?!  Can it make you fly?  Does it grant wishes?   Does it show you the future?  No?  Oh, but it plays music AND videos?  Great!  Sounds pretty nifty.  Not magic though.  Do you even know what words mean?  Do you know that simply saying something doesn't make it true?  While you're at it, why not claim it cures cancer, does your taxes, and will, if shaken just right, open a portal into another dimension.  

Then again, maybe I'm just bitter that I don't have one yet.  :(

Bike Path, enter at your own risk.

Ah, the bike path, a safe haven for all the idiots and crazies in Columbus, judging from my experience.  


First, the idiots, and oh boy are there a lot of them.  The guy walking his dog from across the path, having the leash as a barely visible trip wire across the path.  The woman who decided the middle of the bike path was a GREAT place to do pushups.  The family of 30 who wanted to walk side by side down the middle of the path.  The many runners, joggers, and walkers who SUDDENLY turn around, apparently remembering that they left the oven on and need to return home, oh, too bad they just got smashed by a cyclist.  Oh, and of course, the assholes who ride their bikes way too fast on the path.  Can't leave myself out.  


Then there's the other contingent, the batshit crazy folk.  Not as numerous, but, like most things in life, more enjoyable because of their rarity.   The guy with the huge grey beard who rollerblades in a dress shirt and sweatpants. The woman with full cycling kit, a beautiful old steel bike, and half length leather dress gloves.  The 60 year old woman who rides almost every day in a pink string bikini top and sandals.  The guy who wears oven mitts (held together with duct tape) for cold weather riding. 


But today I sighted that rarest of breeds, the perfect blending of psychotically odd and pathologically stupid.  Two guys.  On the basketball court.  Playing basketball.  While riding unicycles.  


I can die happy now.

Only Child

Well, we're 3 months into being parents and so far so good.  As best we can tell, we haven't yet irrevocably messed up our child.  So hurray for that.  But we've already spent a lot of time debating whether we'll have any more children.  In fact, it's probably our most popular debate.  Actually, less of a debate, usually it's something more like this:

"Only one, right?"

"Oh yeah!"

"Sweet."

But whenever we share the information with anyone that we are considering shutting down the reproduction factory, it's met with a combination of shock, confusion, or disbelief.  This reaction seems to be especially common in those over the age of, oh, 35.

"How can you do that to her?  You need to give her a brother or sister!"

"Surely you're not serious!"

"You don't mean that, you'll change your mind soon enough, just give it a couple of years."

But here's the thing, I really don't think we will.  This parenting thing is great, awesome, best thing I've ever done, but that may be enough for us.  Maybe we're lazy, maybe we're just not gluttons, but having one kid seems to just feel right right now....

Yeah, I know, in putting this out in the world I guarantee that we are going to have quintuplets.
Awesome.