Earthquake in Japan

Well,  I'm sure you've heard an earthquake hit Japan.  The scale of the violence and destruction is just incomprehensible.  Thankfully for our little family all my wife's relatives and friends are safe and accounted for.  Sadly there are many thousands of others that are not so fortunate.  I have written a lot about Japan and travelled there extensively and love the people, the culture, and the country and it is always terrible to see nature exert such destructive forces on any people but that much harder to watch when you have some personal connection.  Unfortunately I've been relying on the national television media for much of my information, which is akin to asking your eight year old niece to describe the plot of a David Lynch film.  They'll get some facts right, others massively wrong, and just generally miss the whole point.  


Thankfully due to the wonders of modern technology and the robustness of the Japanese infrastructure we have been able to talk with my wife's family in Osaka, which was quite far away from the destruction, and her brother in Tokyo, who had to stay in at his office overnight but is at his apartment now and doing well.  I must say, if ever there was a country and a culture that could deal with this type of destruction it is the Japanese.  Even having lived in California, I've never seen a place more prepared, top to bottom, for a calamitous earthquake.  From their building techniques and home furnishings to their school drills and infrastructure, Japan is constantly aware of the risks of their geological location and planning for the worst.  It's just terrible that finally their preparations were needed (and then some).  


I hesitate to even include this in what is typically a light little meaningless blog, but if you feel the need/desire to help by sending money/food/clothes or just buying tickets to Charlie Sheens' live tour (seriously, he's doing a tour and giving the proceeds to Japanese relief?  I mean, I guess doing charitable work, even in a totally batshit crazy way, is still good, right?) please do so.  At the same time, if you do have the itch to help out but want to help with Haiti, which even a year later still has enormous work to be done, or Chile, or even someplace that has issues that are not geologically caused, or even something close to home, go for it.  It's a good thing.  Even if Charlie Sheen does it.

Japan Tales - Odds 'N' Ends

Going through my photos on the computer I came across a few items I saw in Japan that were just so batshit crazy I had to snap a picture to prove they existed: 

Teeny tiny beers.  You know, for toddlers.

Frightening McDonald's sandwiches.  

Bit hard to make out, but the label reads:"Green Cola, for your natural life.  Made from selected raw materials, derived from plants such as fruits, with cola's own dynamism and briskness."  This is nice, because I have been looking for a more dynamic soda.

That, dear reader, is maple syrup and pancake flavored soda.  Served hot, out of a vending machine, on the street.  Right next to the used panty machine.

But nothing was close to being as peculiar, odd, and befuddling as this gem:

This is a trash can that seems designed to make you review your life choices and become filled with regret.  Thanks a lot trash can, you jerk.  

Japan Tales - Tulibo through the sex machine

A request has been made by my darling wife that I clarify something from an earlier post.  In truth, the Japanese "arcade sex machines" I mentioned previously:

are not sex machines at all.  Although they are found in arcades in Japan.  No, they're photo booths.  Which makes it slightly less weird that I used one with my wife and two of her cousins during our last trip.  


I didn't really understand why there were so many of these photo booths, especially since everyone has a camera in their phone, computer, car and, er, camera these days.  But these aren't simply photo booths, no, being Japan they also have a small robot implanted inside that digitally manipulates the images, supposedly to make you more attractive.  


Of course, if these were brought to the states, they would just blow up your tits and lips, making you look like some fish faced milk machine.  Or they could just save the computers and output pictures of Pam Anderson.  Either way.  But no, these machines digitally transform you into, well, apparently, what is the pinnacle of Japanese beauty and desirability.  For your reference, here is what I look like, sans digital sexifying:

And here's what the sex machine did to me:

So, it smoothes out the blemishes on your skin, lightens your skin tone, makes your eyelashes darker, fair enough.  However, it also appears to make your eyes much larger and rounder.  Hmm, apparently, in Japan, big eyed baby looking things are incredibly sexy.  Could have been weird though, it could have given me big boobs.  

Japan Tales - Arrival

Ah, Japan, you tempting seductress, with your panty vending machines and toilets more intelligent than the average 8th grader.  Yes, I just returned from a trip to Osaka to visit my in-laws.  I have been a few times before and have become somewhat accustomed to some of the peculiarities of the nation, but there are still new surprises for me every time.


This trip, it didn't take long to notice something a bit different.  While sitting in Tokyo awaiting my connecting flight, they began pre-boarding the flight.  Now, I know the drill; children, handicapped, those who need more time, I got it.  However, they seem to include a few more groups I am not as familiar with.  Unfortunately, I could not understand the announcements, and when this graphic appeared on the screens in the gate area it didn't exactly clarify things:

Now, some of these I do understand.  Top left, Japan Airlines logo, got it.  Bottom left, pregnant ladies, fair enough.  Top center, wheelchair bound passengers, with you still.  Bottom center, infants, okay as well.  Now, top right, apparently they feel the need to clarify that children in hats, and not just those in bibs, are also welcome to board early?  Or maybe bodyless children (could be a bigger problem in the far east)?  And then bottom right, I'm totally clueless.  Men in hats?  Mustachioed men?  Or maybe the two on the right are indicating that decapitated children and adults are welcome to preboard?  I'm not sure, all I know is I went to the bathroom, drew on a mustache, fashioned a hat out of paper towels, and got on the fucking plane.  Hey, I don't want those decapitated children filling up all the overhead compartments with their robot bodies.  

Japan Tales - Sushi

Finally, on my fourth trip to Japan, I convinced my wife to take me to a true sushi restaurant.  See, my darling wife doesn't eat raw fish.  So she is understandably less-than-thrilled to take me to a hardcore sushi restaurant in Japan, where, except for the eel (because it's blood is poisonous... neat!), the idea of cooking the fish is rather sacrilegious.  It may also be that she doesn't want to have to sit next to me while I eat all the fish in the restaurant.  For the sake of brevity, here's basically what I ate:

But of all the sushi I had, there was one piece that really stood out from the rest.  Or should I say swam.  Yes, "dancing sushi", a piece of shrimp so fresh it was still moving on the plate... and when you bit into it the tail fins curled around your lip.  Here is the aftermath:

As for the before, I didn't want to offend the chef by taking a photo while my food was slowly dying so I did not get a shot of it, but it basically looked like this:

Well, minus the doorman outfit.  You've got to go to a really fancy restaurant to have them dress up the fish before serving them.  

Now I know, some of you think this is disturbing, or cruel, or gross... maybe all three.  And I don't know that I can defend myself, but all I can say is that it was delicious, and it could have been worse.  I could have been eating this:

Yep, spam sushi.  Spushi?  

Only The Lonely

Well, my wife and daughter are off in Japan, and in preparation for my upcoming trip to meet them I stopped by the local Japanese grocery and bought some foodstuffs to keep from starving while on my own.   

When I unpacked my groceries at home I was surprised to find actual directions in English on the noodles.  I had assumed it would all be in Japanese, and I had planned on just boiling them for about ten minutes and then, you know, eating them.  Oh, what a fool I was.  No, nothing that simple will suffice for these.

Alright.  Let's take it one step at a time.  Here we go.  

Step 1. Put noodles scatteringly in boiling water little by little, turn the fire low when spout out, boil continuously for about 12 - 13 minutes without changing temperature of water, put out the fire, wash in water and put noodles in a basket to drain off water.

First off, in what world is that one step?  Let's break it down a bit more, shall we?

Put noodles scatteringly in boiling water little by little.  Clunky phasing, maybe, but understandable.  

Turn the fire low when spout out.  Um... what?  I'm assuming "spout out" means returns to a boil?  Sure, let's assume that and move on.  

Boil continuously.  Is this really a problem?  Are a lot of people boiling things intermittently?

For about 12-13 minutes.  Could you be more unsure?  Didn't want to add "maybe" to the end of that?  Have they actually tried cooking these noodles before writing the instructions or are they just guessing?

Without changing the temperature of the water.  Well, I hate to pick nits (alright, I live for it), but how CAN you change the temperature of boiling water?  That's the whole point of boiling.  

Put out the fire.  Wait, I had to build a fire to cook these?  Crap, this is seriously authentic.  

Wash in water and put noodles in a basket to drain off water.  Okay, at first blush this seems understandable.  But wait, do I drain the boiling water off first?  I need a basket too?  I already had to build a fire and now I'm weaving baskets?  These noodles better be amazing.  

So, we've got some cooked noodles (and a new basket too!), let's move on to some serving suggestions.

Step 2. In addition to serving it as ordinary Udon, it can be served as Miso Nikomi and/or Yutsuke Udon by floating noodles in hot water and dipping them in the stock in another receptacle with spices such as green onion, laver, etc.

Okay, fine, I won't serve these as "ordinary Udon" (way to sell it there, by the way), in fact, I will go all out and serve them at Miso Nikomi AND Yutsuke Udon.  So... I put them in hot water and then... uh... I make some stock?  I need several dishes?  Green onion is a spice?  What the fuck is laver?  Oh, it's a traditional Welsh dish of seaweed.  Obviously.  And how exactly would I make Miso Nikomi versus Yutsuke Udon?

Hmm, this all seems quite complicated, can't I just put a sauce over these noodles and treat them like good ol' spaghetti?  Oh, look, here's step 3!

Step 3. It can also be served as spaghetti style by boiling noodles hard, frying and seasoning them with ketchup, etc.

How do I boil them hard?  Does that mean boil them until they're hard (no time at all, since they're dried pasta and start hard) or boil them hard, as in vigorously, as in for a long time?  Now I need a fryer too?  Fuck!  Oh, but I can them season them with ketchup AND etc.   Mmmmm, that sounds delicious!

Japan!

Well, now we've done it.  We booked tickets to Japan for the family.  Exciting?  Sure, yes, of course.  But it is an excitement tinged with abject terror.  24 hours travel time.  Three layovers.  With a 7 month old.  Yep, I keep envisioning an entire day of this:

Hooray!

But then it could be worse.  Much, MUCH worse.  I could be a stranger sitting next to her.  At least she's my daughter, and I have some chance at calming her down, right?  And besides, her crying sounds like sweet music to me.  Sweet, sweet screamcore.

But we'll get through it.  Besides, we've got a secret weapon!  The sit-n-stroll.  It's, well, it's...

It's a stoller!

No, it's a car seat!

NO, it's a stroller!!!

CARSEAT!!!

STROLLER!!!!!!!

No, you're both wrong (and kind of douches too), it's both and MORE!

According to their manufacturer, it is 5, count 'em, 5 things in 1!  It's a stoller AND a carseat AND a, uh, wait, you count rear facing and forward facing carseat as two things?  And your other two are FAA seat and booster seat?  So, really, it's 2 things in one.  A seat and a stroller, right?  Or, you could go the other way and say it's 1,322 things in 1.  Hey, why the hell not.  Let's go crazy!

It's a paperweight!  It's a boat anchor!  It's a miniature office chair!  It's a sideways facing carseat!  It's an emergency ejection seat (with option add-on rocket boosters)!

Despite all this, we bought it, and are hopeful that it will mildly smooth the travel to Japan.  After all, Kiki needs to enjoy the many pleasures of Japan.  That's right,

High-tech Toilets, requiring an engineering degree to flush:

Conveyor Belt Sushi:

Interesting Translations

Friendly Wildlife

Dogs in Pants

and Arcade Sex Machines

But no matter what, at least we know she already likes sushi.