The awesome power of naming

According to anthropologists (or, more accurately, an anthropologist, I think his name was Bob), "naming is one of the chief methods for imposing order on perception."  

Which, er, means, well, something profound I'm sure.  And many believe that names carry power.  Just imagine if Oprah had been named Bertha.  Yeah, something about "Bertha's Book Club" just sounds like it would only contain cookbooks... about pie.  Mmmm, pie.  


But I digress.  Most of us are rarely asked to name anything in life.  Maybe a pet hamster (Mr. Pickles!) or a dog (Doctor Marmalade!), maybe even a product (Crystal Pepsi!).  But then we become parents, and we have to name a human.  Suddenly Xerxes and Tulibo are no longer 'suitable.'  No, we need to come up with a 'real' name for our child, something that fits a variety of conflicting goals. 


1) It must be serious enough for an adult but fun enough for a child.  You can't have a 3-year-old named Sebastian Chrisphersonville Jackstonian Ruperacton XIV.  Yet, you don't want to create a 42-year-old mother of 4 named Boopsie McChuckles.  


2) It should have meaning without being bizarre.  Naming your daughter after the Greek goddesses of Trees and Memory sounds like a fair idea.  Yeah, I'm sure little Mnemosyne Dendritus will be thrilled.  


3) It should be uncommon without being strange.  You don't want her to be the 17th Isabella in her class, but you also don't want her to be the only Samiyah in the tri-state area.  


So, you work and work, and finally come up with a name that you and your significant other love, something that really captures the essence of this little person you are going to create.  And then she's born, and within a matter of weeks you find yourself referring to her as "Doodle."  Yeah, we should have just named her Dendritus.  

Results Are In...

Well, the polls have closed and the results tabulated.

Bringing up the rear with zero votes, a dead heat for dead last between sushi, lobster, and peanut.  Apparently the readers have issues with dressing my child as a food product.  Probably a good idea, especially if you've seen me around food.  I may not realize it's my child until I've dipped her in soy sauce... though I would need some big chopsticks.  

In fourth place with one lonely vote is Princess Leia, in third with two is flower (sorry dear!), and in second... winning the silver medal as the first loser, it's the Owl/Aviator thingamajobber (boooo!).  So, yes, with 7 votes, a full 50% of the votes (although Google calculates it as 75%... with a total of 149%... just a reminder not to have Google do your taxes), it's...

Monkey! (In case you didn't know what this is)

Yes, my sweet darling daughter is going to be dressed as a monkey for her first halloween... or whatever my wife decides she should be, because, let's face it, I shouldn't be trusted with this kind of decision.

And, dear reader, neither should you, apparently.

Well, if this whole process taught us anything (not necessarily a safe assumption), it's that online polls are meaningless.  Now I need to go sign an online petition to stop torture, global warming, taxes, and, what the hell, hail storms.

Oh, and search google to figure out where I can get some bigass chopsticks.

Wishlist

My wife and I, in the 13 minutes between when we put our darling daughter to bed and she starts crying because she rolled over and can't/won't roll back (yeah, this isn't going to get old) often have some interesting conversations.  Recently, we began mulling over what we would buy if we had all the money in the world.  Okay, fine, if we only had $4.2 billion.  


Now, most people will list a bunch of cars, perhaps an island or two, maybe even an entire country.  (Yeah, Luxembourg, sure you're not for sale.  That's what all the tiny countries say.)  Often people will wish for something stupid, like a magic wand, or invisibility cloak.  

Way to waste your money, douche.

Yeah, good luck buying those things.  No thank you, nothing but real, tangible choices that can be bought with cold, hard cash for the missus and me.


Which brings us to our selections, carefully weighed and chosen for the outright joy and pleasure they would bring on a daily basis.


1) A suit made out of fresh, warm bread.  Baked anew every morning.  Sometimes brioche, sometimes sourdough, periodically just good ol' wonder white.  Warm, fragrant, and delicious.  

Kind of like this, but even more awesome

2) A second sink in the kitchen that looks and functions pretty much like any old sink.  Hot and cold taps, sprayer head, you know, the standard.  Ah, but instead of water... milk.  And maybe whipped cream from the sprayer head.  A never ending supply of fresh, delicious milk.  Warm or cold.  Yum.  

Mmmm, warm milk.

3) A constant supply of new socks.  Face it, most clothing gets better with wearing.  The exception?  Socks.  Okay, fine, bread suits and socks.  But new socks, mmmm, nothing better.  And, being mildly obsessed with them, most of the socks would be toe socks.

The perfect accessory for a bread suit.

So, there you have it, the best three things to possibly spend your money on, given unlimited funds.  You can thank me later.  Although, yeah, you can thank me right now, too.  


Fine, at the end of the day, I think we'd just buy a servant to flip our baby back over in her crib.  And by servant, I mean a robot made out of bread. 

Japan!

Well, now we've done it.  We booked tickets to Japan for the family.  Exciting?  Sure, yes, of course.  But it is an excitement tinged with abject terror.  24 hours travel time.  Three layovers.  With a 7 month old.  Yep, I keep envisioning an entire day of this:

Hooray!

But then it could be worse.  Much, MUCH worse.  I could be a stranger sitting next to her.  At least she's my daughter, and I have some chance at calming her down, right?  And besides, her crying sounds like sweet music to me.  Sweet, sweet screamcore.

But we'll get through it.  Besides, we've got a secret weapon!  The sit-n-stroll.  It's, well, it's...

It's a stoller!

No, it's a car seat!

NO, it's a stroller!!!

CARSEAT!!!

STROLLER!!!!!!!

No, you're both wrong (and kind of douches too), it's both and MORE!

According to their manufacturer, it is 5, count 'em, 5 things in 1!  It's a stoller AND a carseat AND a, uh, wait, you count rear facing and forward facing carseat as two things?  And your other two are FAA seat and booster seat?  So, really, it's 2 things in one.  A seat and a stroller, right?  Or, you could go the other way and say it's 1,322 things in 1.  Hey, why the hell not.  Let's go crazy!

It's a paperweight!  It's a boat anchor!  It's a miniature office chair!  It's a sideways facing carseat!  It's an emergency ejection seat (with option add-on rocket boosters)!

Despite all this, we bought it, and are hopeful that it will mildly smooth the travel to Japan.  After all, Kiki needs to enjoy the many pleasures of Japan.  That's right,

High-tech Toilets, requiring an engineering degree to flush:

Conveyor Belt Sushi:

Interesting Translations

Friendly Wildlife

Dogs in Pants

and Arcade Sex Machines

But no matter what, at least we know she already likes sushi.

Kiki Undercover

Well, it's Kiki's first Halloween (that we know of), and we're struggling with the costume decision.  She needs something cute, unique, mildly clever, slightly funny, and with just a soupçon of absurdity.  So, obviously, she's going to be... uh.... yeah, that's the problem we're having too.  Here are the ideas we've got so far...


1) Monkey

2) Princess Leia

3) Sushi

4) Flower (Missus' current favorite)

5) Owl/Aviator Thingy (My current favorite)

So now, dear reader, we ask, nay, beg for your help.  On the right is a poll, please vote for what you would like to see Kiki become this October.  And if you have any additional ideas, please post them in the comments and I'll add them (while reserving the right to edit/reject) to the poll.  Kiki thanks you... unless you choose something really embarrassing, in which case she curses you.  Oh, how she curses you.


EDIT:


One bit of additional information and a few more choices, just to muddy the waters. 


First off, my wife would like me to clarify that we are not planning on our child being topless for the monkey option, as in the photo.  No, we were thinking something more like this:

and also that, though the owl costume is an option, she reserves the right to veto the goggles, depending on Kiki's tolerance.  And, now on to the additional options:


6)  Lobster

Cute, but it somehow looks to me like the child was just shoved inside a dead animal.  I think it has to do with having eyes on the hat.  Just kind of creeps me out.  For illustration, compare the owl costume above to this one:

Ick.


7) Peanut

Very cute, but Kiki's mobile enough now, I think losing the use of her legs isn't going to go well.  

Why not just suck on a flashlight?

So, being as I've written about a dozen posts and have hit the theoretical "blog-wall" I'm now using ideas from friends, families, strangers, and small woodland creatures (just wait until my squirrel post, it will change your life forever!).  So, Ross, thank you for alerting me to the disaster that is BluCigs


Please, take a moment to check out their site, I'll wait...

www.blucigs.com

Okay, and welcome back.


Yes, I am befuddled myself.  Well, let's start from the beginning, shall we?  Judging from their homepage, the number one selling point for this product is that it is "Made in the USA."  Now, I'm not trying to be unpatriotic, but first I want to know what the fuck a product is before I care where it is manufactured.  There are some amazing wood tick pesticides manufactured in northern Texas.  Doesn't mean I want to buy them.


Okay, moving on.  It appears their quality control motto is "It's All Good."  Since your quality control appears to consist of a jackass douchebag (just try saying "it's all good" and not sounding like a jackass douchebag) equipped with a tiny checklist with the very technical categories of Excellent, Good, Average, and Poor (what, there wasn't room for "Totally Bitchin'"), forgive me if I am hesitant to stick your device in my MOUTH.  I am always a bit reluctant to stick electronics in my orifices, especially when they contain lithium batteries.  For those of you who slept through high school chemistry, here's what happens when lithium meets water:

Neato!  But I can smoke it anywhere!


But let's get back to BluCigs sales pitch.  I mean, sure, you can look like a complete douche, and have the thrill of possible chemical burns on your face, but what do these things actually contain?  Digging a bit through their site, you find their language gets more and more vague and nonspecific the deeper you get.  In question #27 (of 27) on the Customer Service page, you will find this gem:


What are the ingredients in e-liquid?

The blu cartridges contain nicotine (in levels of high, medium, low and no nicotine), propylene glycol, flavoring, and other safe flavoring ingredients exclusive to blu. These cartridges come in various flavors and nicotine contents to satisfy the needs of a variety of users. Propylene glycol is a water based ingredient found in many health products and medicines. None of the ingredients in the cartridges have been found to be toxic to humans.

Really?  Really?  REALLY?  So, nicotine has not been found to be toxic to humans?  So, in their definition, something that can kill you isn't toxic, huh?  Interesting.  I guess this just falls under the "It's All Good" umbrella.  Pardon me if I am a bit skeptical when you're "high" nicotine product contains 16 mg of nicotine, also known as over 50% of the lethal dose for adults.  Or, 150% of the lethal dose for children.  Oh, and propylene glycol, also known as anti-freeze?  Yeah, it's water based in that it contains hydrogen and oxygen.  But, don't worry, the propylene glycol website (yes, it has it's own lobbyist site) reassuringly states that "actually, from a toxicological point of view, alcohol is more toxic than propylene glycol."  Okay, sweet, because no one has ever died from alcohol, right?  Oh shit.  


But hey, don't worry, "It's All Good."