Why not just suck on a flashlight?

So, being as I've written about a dozen posts and have hit the theoretical "blog-wall" I'm now using ideas from friends, families, strangers, and small woodland creatures (just wait until my squirrel post, it will change your life forever!).  So, Ross, thank you for alerting me to the disaster that is BluCigs


Please, take a moment to check out their site, I'll wait...

www.blucigs.com

Okay, and welcome back.


Yes, I am befuddled myself.  Well, let's start from the beginning, shall we?  Judging from their homepage, the number one selling point for this product is that it is "Made in the USA."  Now, I'm not trying to be unpatriotic, but first I want to know what the fuck a product is before I care where it is manufactured.  There are some amazing wood tick pesticides manufactured in northern Texas.  Doesn't mean I want to buy them.


Okay, moving on.  It appears their quality control motto is "It's All Good."  Since your quality control appears to consist of a jackass douchebag (just try saying "it's all good" and not sounding like a jackass douchebag) equipped with a tiny checklist with the very technical categories of Excellent, Good, Average, and Poor (what, there wasn't room for "Totally Bitchin'"), forgive me if I am hesitant to stick your device in my MOUTH.  I am always a bit reluctant to stick electronics in my orifices, especially when they contain lithium batteries.  For those of you who slept through high school chemistry, here's what happens when lithium meets water:

Neato!  But I can smoke it anywhere!


But let's get back to BluCigs sales pitch.  I mean, sure, you can look like a complete douche, and have the thrill of possible chemical burns on your face, but what do these things actually contain?  Digging a bit through their site, you find their language gets more and more vague and nonspecific the deeper you get.  In question #27 (of 27) on the Customer Service page, you will find this gem:


What are the ingredients in e-liquid?

The blu cartridges contain nicotine (in levels of high, medium, low and no nicotine), propylene glycol, flavoring, and other safe flavoring ingredients exclusive to blu. These cartridges come in various flavors and nicotine contents to satisfy the needs of a variety of users. Propylene glycol is a water based ingredient found in many health products and medicines. None of the ingredients in the cartridges have been found to be toxic to humans.

Really?  Really?  REALLY?  So, nicotine has not been found to be toxic to humans?  So, in their definition, something that can kill you isn't toxic, huh?  Interesting.  I guess this just falls under the "It's All Good" umbrella.  Pardon me if I am a bit skeptical when you're "high" nicotine product contains 16 mg of nicotine, also known as over 50% of the lethal dose for adults.  Or, 150% of the lethal dose for children.  Oh, and propylene glycol, also known as anti-freeze?  Yeah, it's water based in that it contains hydrogen and oxygen.  But, don't worry, the propylene glycol website (yes, it has it's own lobbyist site) reassuringly states that "actually, from a toxicological point of view, alcohol is more toxic than propylene glycol."  Okay, sweet, because no one has ever died from alcohol, right?  Oh shit.  


But hey, don't worry, "It's All Good."

Douchebaggery

So, I succumbed and bought a bluetooth headset. I can say it is so I can drive more safely. I can quote the studies of heating of soft tissue and increased tumor risks. I can explain that I've already had one neck tumor and am not really looking for another (granted, the surgery wasn't that bad but leaking saliva from my neck wound for a month was less than awesome). But really, I think this is just another step in my gradual metamorphosis into a total douchebag. Now, I don't yet use product in my hair or tan. However, other, more insidious aspects have appeared in my life. Wearing white cycling shoes. Driving like a total asshole. Putting white bar tape on my bike. All my bikes. Color coordinating my gym outfits. Now some of these things have been a part of me for a long time, but others of them just seemed to, well, kind of happen. Which seems to me to indicate that they are representative of my true nature coming out. And now I have a highly visible 'dongle' on the side of my head that says to the world: "Hey world, I am WAY too busy and important to hold my phone up to my ear, I need this device to do it for me. If only I could find a gadget to wipe my ass and tie my shoes I could be that more productive, because I am an important motherfucker. You hear that world?" Yeah, it's retarded. But I do enjoy seeing myself in the mirror, because I can turn my head, revealing and hiding the earpiece and go from super-douche to normal douche in the blink of an eye.

Skinsuits, really?

I know people must buy skinsuits since they sell them on websites and carry them in stores. But, really? Really? Okay, if you are a professional cyclist and a small, almost dwarf-like frenchman hands you a skinsuit, emblazoned with sponsors logos, to wear the morning before a time trial, and you are being PAID to ride in it, and PAID by the sponsors on the skinsuit, and GIVEN the skinsuit, then FINE, I have no problem with it. But if the answer to any of those conditions is negative, then you are a douche. What is the point? Aerodynamics? How much air is really impeded by the joint between your jersey and bibs? Do you shave your eyebrows? Do you pluck your eyelashes? Do you tape your mouth shut and only breathe through your nose? Do you tape your ears back against your head (they're just flapping out there in the wind!)? Okay, FINE, if you do all those things than you can wear a skinsuit as well, even without being a pro, and not be a douche. Not saying you're normal, you are a freakshow, but at least you are douche-less. Why did they stop at connecting the shorts and jersey? Why not have a fully integrated time trial skinsuit, molded one piece from shoes to helmet. And if the Radioshack team debuts this very item at the Tour this year I am suing. Nike, Lance, Trek, Johann, even Levi, you will be hearing from my lawyer. And by my lawyer I mean my daughter. Who just managed to spit up breastmilk while simultaneously shitting her pants. She's a rare talent this one.