3D Television - Watch Yourself Thin

I'm sure you've noticed that to be truly entertained these days, you need three dimensions.  Accordingly, I've smashed my old television with a hammer and bought the latest and greatest 3-D plasma-LCD-neutrino flat screen heads-up display-o-ma-job.  Hey, I can't accept sub-dimensional entertainment.  How many of you watch 1-D television?  I rest my case.  


But wait, there's a slight, minor, tiny little issue with 3D television... The Barfogenic Zone.  No, it's not a bizarre mashup of Jackass and The Twilight Zone, rather it is the nausea caused by the conflict between the angle of your eyes and the shape of your eye's lens, a.k.a. cybersickness.  Now, for many this is a cause of serious concern.  Samsung has gone so far as including documentation with their 3-D televisions warning against motion sickness, night sweats, disorientation, loss of sexual function and psychotic episodes.  Fine, maybe I added a few to the list, but they do warn against watching their televisions if pregnant, sick, drunk, sleep deprived, or elderly.  


Fuck, what are our old dying preggers insomniac alcoholic loved ones supposed to do now?  Spend quality time with their family?  Apparently you've never spent any time with a hammered, hormonal, bloated, sleepy 90-year-old.  Suffice to say, parking them in front of the television is about the only option open to you, other than dropping them off at the funeral home preemptively.  


But I think Samsung has got the wrong end of the stick on this issue.  They shouldn't warn people away, they should embrace the barfogenic zone.  In fact, they should tweak their products to more acutely cause nausea.  Think about it.  What better way to solve the obesity epidemic in this country?  That's right, create televisions that make bulimics out of couch potatoes.  Not feeling like working out tonight?  Don't worry about it, just curl up in front of your new Samsung CyberPuke LCD 3D TV and halfway through 'Two and a Half Men" you'll be vomiting up your pancreas.  Although, to be fair, with that program it may not be the television causing it.