A movie so bad, your eyes will retreat into your brain

The day has finally arrived, Nicolas Cage has done it.  He's made the most craptastic movie ever.  Going beyond "bad", through "terrible", past "so bad it's good", blowing past "hilariously shitty", and landing solidly in "insultingly, offensively, mind numbingly shitful".  Yep, here's the crapfest that did it, it took the cake... the crap cake, as it were.  Behold... DRIVE ANGRY





Stunning, simply stunning.  From the title (Drive Angry, really?  Angry Explosion Movie just wasn't evocative enough?  Bloated Flailing Star Vehicle was a bit too honest?) to the, well, goddamn, where to start with this steaming puddle of poo?


Nicolas Cage, looking old, fat, and tired while managing to also appear totally non-threatening and vaguely effeminate (nice dye job) is your star?  What, Wilford Brimley wasn't available?


Oh, but he's so sexy, just look how he picks up that young hottie.  It must be true, it happened in a movie, right?  And who could blame her, with acting chops like that, ol' Nic can get any woman, man, or animal he wants.  Admit it, not even Sir Lawrence Olivier could deliver the line "I am going to get her back" in a more wooden, unheartfelt, and ballsy manner.  


But wait, it's in 3D!!!  Well, it only claims to be shot in 3D, maybe not shown in 3D though.  That would be too bad, because then you couldn't see all four of Nic's chins in stunning lifelike depth.  It's like you could reach out and touch them.  Just for the record, they feel like a balloon filled with pudding.  Yeah, I wouldn't recommend touching them.  


And before you complain that I cut off a bit of the screen to the right I have two things to say:


1) Really? You want to see more of this?  If I was actually nice, I would have just posted a still from the movie instead of the trailer.  Or just a picture of a dog being sick.


2) You get what you pay for.  Free blog = I can't be bothered to delve into the inner workings of Blogger to fix my youtube issues.  Sorry.  Take it up with my manager.


The most astounding thing about Drive Angry though, besides the very fact that it was conceived, created, and then released on the general public, is that it manages to make the latest Rock movie look like great cinema.