Christmas Flipbook

Well, our Christmas was... interesting this year.  After our Christmas Eve festivities with my family (nothing says family holiday like caviar and vodka), and the Christmas morning extravaganza of Santa followed by more gifting and eating with family, we finally arrived back home in the late afternoon to celebrate our little family's Christmas.  It started off normal enough, almost Rockwellian in fact, with matching pajamas for father and daughter:

Then, well, it went weird.  Okay, to explain, my wife has always wanted a strawberry house for her dogs.  It's a dog bed.  Shaped like a giant strawberry.  Obviously.  They sell them in Japan.  Anyway, I finally relented and bought her one, and Kiki quickly became stuck inside it:

Soon thereafter she decided that she was going to get the party started by taking her top off (yeah, I'm looking forward to her high school years too): 

Then, well, things went downhill.  After being rescued about 14 times from the jaws of the strawberry house, Kiki threw a shit-fit because we didn't want her getting stuck in it again.  I know, worst parents ever:

Then, well, this happened:

But in the end, though it may not be everyone's idea of a perfect Christmas (or anyone's), we all enjoyed it (yeah, she's still totally naked):

Here's hoping your holidays were as joyous (and nudity filled) as ours.

Santai is Coming

Well, amidst the furor of the move and the extensive preparations for my post-Christmas birthday (I got a card!), we also had to make plans for Santa Claus.  Last year Kiki was not visited by Santa, because, frankly, she has terrible parents.  But this year, well, she still has terrible parents (okay, fine, just her father is terrible), but at least Santa did come.  


Well, Santai, as she calls him.  Though there is some debate, my wife thinks it's Santai, while I believe it's Santae.  Maybe because she's half-Japanese while I took latin and think Kiki's just pluralized it, or maybe it's because my wife is smart and I, well, I think the blog speaks to my mental facilities (ooooh, poop cake!).  Anyway, Santai/ae visited and brought Kiki a kitchen.  

Which, should be noted, she was annoyed with because the sink doesn't work and the microwave also does not actually heat things up.  Anyway, "Santai", after slaving away for 3 hours to build the kitchen (why send 13 pieces when you can send 3,744) just didn't have the energy to wrap it.  Thus, Kiki's first experience of the magic of Santai was an old sheet covering her big gift.  I think when she's older we'll explain that Santai does some more unusual things for her since she is an only child and he knows she's appreciate it, while most families have several kids to keep happy to Santai just sticks with the old reliable for them.  I know, I'm trying to figure out other lies we can tell her to cover up our laziness.  


But in the end, I think her first experience with Santai was a success.  I mean, just look how excited she was to thank him:

Simplify Simplify Simplify

Well you may have noticed a significant lull in the frequency of posts the past month.  Oh, you didn't?  You don't pay that much attention to this mindless diversion you say?  Well, fair enough, but no matter, I do apologize.  We were somewhat otherwise engaged in the process of moving.  We built a new house this year and the time finally came for the big move.  


Well, we didn't really build it, thankfully, if that were case it would still be a pile of ill cut lumber and mud (though Kiki does seem like she may have some useful carpentry skills).  No, someone else built it and we would just show up periodically (and typically ask stupid questions like "Instead of carpet can we install velcro?" or "Oh, it's going to be built out of wood, huh?").  It worked out much better that way for all involved.  But, being as we had to move, we went through the lengthy process of eliminating all unnecessary shit from our lives.  Well, physical items, not needy friends or emotional baggage, sadly.  


It seemed a simple process, but we found ourselves considering the utility and necessity of everything in our lives.  Do we really need two corkscrews?  How many shoes do you honestly need, we only wear one pair at a time (well, two if you wear hand shoes, and who doesn't)?  Why even have underwear at all, I mean, really, it just seems like an extravagance. 


So, basically, we moved a bowl and a robe each.  Although I'm thinking about ditching my robe altogether, figuring I can just use the bowl to hide my shame.  Hmm, dinner parties might be a little uncomfortable for our guests though.  But then our friends do kind of know what to expect from us.  Well, me.  Okay, we don't actually have any friends, I made up that bit about dinner parties.  But I can still make my wife and Kiki uncomfortable.  And by god, I'm damn good at it.


Whenever our commitment wavered and we considered holding onto something unnecessary, like an extra toaster, or an old tennis racquet, or our wedding rings (mindless sentimentality!), we found a brief watching of one of the hoarding reality shows (Hoarders, Hoarders: Buried Alive,and Hoarders: Messy Crap House Stuff Show) quickly reinvigorated our zest for simplification.  Something about seeing a man almost crushed to death by his collection of used bandages makes you much more open to parting with the clothes you haven't worn since college.  I mean, I don't want my last breath to be smothered by a worn Spring Break '99 tee.  I always envisioned my death as somewhat more dignified, maybe involving something classy, you know, like a Led Zeppelin reunion tour shirt.  

Happiest of Holidays to You and Yours

From all of us at Tulibo Incorporated, we wish you a Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Kickass Kwanza, Festive Festivus, Happy New Year, and, if the case may be, a Happy Birthday as well.  Keep smiling, and enjoy the holidays! 

A Splendiferous Thanksgiving

All of us at Tulibo Creative Enterprises & International Heavy Industry Companies wish you and yours a Happy Turkey Day.

Note, no turkeys were harmed in the creation of this blog post.

Vegematarian

So the other day, being bored, I decided to go vegetarian.  Why?  Well, my wife has been a long time ovolactopescatarian since before we started dating.  For those of you who didn't take Latin in high school (Loser!  No, wait, I'm the loser.  Damn!) an ovolactopescatarian eats eggs, milk products, and fish.  Well, in addition to a vegetarian diet too, otherwise it would make for some odd meals of shrimp and cottage cheese or tuna and eggs.  Mmmm, delicious!  


Anyway, my wife finally decided to follow through on a promise she made herself a long time ago to stop eating "things with faces."  Seriously, that's her diet.  So scallops and mussels are okay, but chicken and salmon aren't.  I haven't explored if she would eat Mike the Headless Chicken, but I assume the answer is yes.  


Anyway, Em decided to stop eating faces and I figured I'd go along, you know, for a day or two, just for shits and grins.  Now, two months later, I find myself in the bizarre position of actually, kind of sort of, in a way, being a vegetarian.  Well, maybe not totally.  I had salmon at one dinner, and had some leftover calamari from my mother-in-law, both acts which I think can land you in vegetarian jail.  Which I picture to be rather laid back, easy to escape, and filled with Phish music and weed smoke.  Actually, I wouldn't mind spending a few nights there, just to catch up on my sleep.  


But, being someone who has ordered bone marrow, pork cheeks, and sweetbreads previously, one time all in the same delicious meal, I feel like I don't even know myself anymore.  Telling someone that I'm vegetarian feels as foreign as admitting I have found Jesus (he was hiding in vegetarian jail).  Maybe it's just the connotations that go along with the term "vegetarian".  I could use ovolactopescatarian, but something tells me that would just lead to stranger looks.  Well, at the end of the day I already dress in spandex and periodically shave my legs, I guess I should just accept that my dietary choices are the least of the things people judge me for.  

The Public Has Spoken

Being as this is a fairly useless diversion, you may have noticed I don't put much effort into the search engine optimization, design, or even content of this blog (seriously, an entire post about adult onesies?).  That being the case, I'm always interested to see the analytical tools that google provides to track the sources and numbers of visitors to my little corner of the internet.  For those of you who don't have your own website (mom, I'm looking in your direction), you can discover a surprising amount about visitors to your website.  Like where in the world they are located, what internet browser and connection speed they are using, even what terms they searched in google that led them to you.  That was a surprising list.  Let's take a look at the top ten, shall we?


10. Tulibo Blog


Okay, so no great surprise there.  Let's continue. 


9.  Legoman


Hmmm, oh yes, a post about how Kiki's hair looked like a lego man.  Probably not many satisfied web searchers there.


8.  Poop Cake


Okay, I did mention a poop cake in a blog post, but are that many people interested?  Really?


7.  Shit Cake


Well, okay, so apparently that many people are interested.


6.  Care Bear Pictures


I think I did mention Care Bears once in a post.  Right?


5.  Carebears


I guess I must have.


4.  Care Bears Pictures


Apparently with a picture too.


3.  Care Bear


Wow, okay, so Care Bears are apparently pretty popular on the net.


2. Tulibo


There we go, that's more expected.  Thank god we're done with the Care Bears.


1. Care Bears


Well shit.


In case you think I'm exaggerating this, there were 81 searches for "Tulibo" that led to this site.  For "Care Bears" alone there were 1,076! Yeah, so I'm going to change the focus of this blog from, well, whatever the hell it is right now, to Care Bears.  Nothing but Care Bears, Care Bears, Care Bears!  

You're welcome, internet.

All Hallow's Eve

I know, I know, you're all wondering why my annual poll for Kiki's costume has not appeared.  I do apologize, but let me explain.  Em and I did discuss many ideas for Kiki this year: ninja, pirate, superhero, maybe, you know, ninja pirate hero.  And yes, we do realize she is a girl.  


Anyway, maybe because they knew us and could predict that we would come up with a terrible idea, both her Aunt and her Godfather gave us costumes.  Thus, already having two awesome costumes, we thought it would be excessive to have a poll for a third costume, especially since our ideas were so crap compared to the gifted costumes.  So, this year Kiki's costume will not be subject to the democratic process.  But do not worry dear reader, next year the poll will come again, and yes, pirate ninja hero is going to be on there!  Unless, you know, Kiki has other ideas, but I'm sure she'd like to give over control of her outfit to the general internet populace, right?

Talk is Cheap

Well, Kiki has been talking for a while now and is entering that wonderful "sponge" stage, where she will oftentimes repeat a word after only hearing it once or twice, especially useful words like "aubergine" and "phospholipid bilayer."  However, it has required my wife and I to severely curtain our cursing, which has been more of a fucking problem than I ever expected.  Unfortunately, Kiki's mispronunciation of many words already sound like cursing, for example "Sit" becomes "Shit," "Gray" becomes "Gay," and "Milk" becomes "Dickface"... alright, so maybe we can't blame all of it on her poor diction.  But fucking hell, it's goddamn hard to control this shit.  But hey, she's cute enough I figure she can get away with cursing like a drunken sailor.  I mean, that's a good parenting approach, right?

No?  Well, fuck.

Terrible... Twenty-One Months?

Well, our darling daughter, being a prodigy, decided to get a head start on the "terrible twos." She has become a master of tantrums, pouting, and general insanity.  Yeah, we couldn't be more proud.  


Particularly when she decides to exert her newfound independence in public.  Like when she absolutely refuses to be put in her car seat, mainly by going alternately rigid and limp, thereby jackknifing her body out of the seat and into the footwell.  Or when she runs off in the grocery, grabbing things and then flipping out if you take it away, because obviously she HAD to have the pickled onions she happened to pull off the shelf.  And of course she complements all these fits of pique with wailing, crying, and her new favorite, stomping around.  If it wasn't so damn funny it could be annoying.  Of course, our laughing only makes matters worse.  


But seriously, when you watch your daughter slide into the footwell for the third time in a row, screaming in a pitch and volume last experienced in a Guns N' Roses concert and blowing snot bubbles from her nose, what else can you do but laugh?  Well, that and call to schedule your vasectomy.

The Secret To Happiness

Well, I've discovered it.  A fail-safe, simple, cheap, and easy guide to happiness.  Yes, with $3.00 and three easy steps you too can enjoy total joy on a daily basis.  


Step 1) Come home.  Okay, for this step you need a home.  But really, if you're reading this chances are you have a computer (unless you are reading this psychically, in which case nice work), and if you have a computer then you should have a home.  Thus, by my accounting, this step costs nothing.  If, however, you are homeless than I am sorry for you, I wish you the best of luck, but think it is going to take more than three steps to fix your situation.  Probably more like six or seven steps, and that's just beyond the scope of this simple little blog.


Step 2) Have your wife and 18 month old daughter waiting outside for you.  Okay, maybe you don't have a wife, but a girlfriend, husband, boyfriend, platonic life partner, or even friendly stranger should work.  Ah, now you say you don't have an 18 month old daughter.  How about a son?  No?  Hmmm, what about a very personable dog?  Nope, not that either?  A cat?  Even a very vivacious fish?  Nothing?  Hmm, alright, steal a kid.  Look, it's totally worth it, this is going to work out for you.  But I don't mean steal in a terrible abduction/ kidnapping kind of way, just borrow them for an hour or so, you know, like a library book... that talks.


Step 3) Have them blowing bubbles.  Then, join them.  It's amazing, all your stress and worries will be born away on the eddies of air along with those little soap bubbles.  It's helpful if your stolen child can say "bubbuls" continuously, ideally with a slight lifting in tone at the end.  It's kind of awesome.  Oh, and for the record, buy your $3.00 worth of bubbles from Gymboree, they are made of some sort of NASA engineered polymer, we've found them literally two days later still intact.  

How Quickly They Turn

Growing up, my wife was constantly told she resembled Lucy Liu.  Mainly because both she and Lucy are asian.  Hey, we grew up in the midwest, it doesn't take much.  Anyway, she grew to resent this statement, partly because Lucy is Taiwanese and my wife is half-Japanese, but mainly because she felt she didn't look much like her, other than they were both of asian descent.  And women.  And had hair.  Okay, they're obviously identical. 


I know what you're saying, poor girl, right?  First of all, your sarcasm is noted and appreciated.  And for me it is hard to muster too much sympathy when I was just told I resembled that fat kid from that show.  You know... Fat Albert.  But less attractive.  And white.  And less attractive.  And not funny.  And also less attractive.  I would have loved to be told I resembled anyone who wasn't a morbidly obese cartoon.  Like, say, Wilford Brimley.  Oh, to dream!  


Anyway, I've learned to tiptoe around her sensitivity.  Mainly by pointing out every mildly asian woman on television and saying "Look honey, it's you!"  Or, if it is a man, "Look honey, it's your brother!"  Yes, I assume my husband of the year award is in the mail.  Needless to say my wife is less than entertained by my shenanigans.  However, yesterday, while waiting in the checkout line in the grocery, our darling daughter pointed to the cover of a magazine featuring, you guessed it, Lucy Liu, and said "Mama."  Awesome!  Well, now we know who's sense of humor she inherited.  Though I hope she grows up to look more like Lucy than Albert.  Although some sort of Fat Lucy Albert Liu mashup could be kind of awesome, right?

Uh Oh

Well, this was an interesting evening.  Kiki and I were enjoying bath time, having discovered we could blow bubbles, her current obsession, using the neti pot under the water surface.  Oh, also, we have a neti pot as a bath toy.  If you don't know what a neti pot is, it is a small watering can you shove up your nose to wash out your sinuses.  There is no intentional humor in the preceding sentence.  


What, like you don't use quasi medical devices for your child's toys?  What's that?  Oh, you don't, eh.  Well, good for you, not everyone can be as perfect as you I guess.  Jerk.


Anyway, we were enjoying the bubbles, luxuriating in the bath when, well, nature called.  To Kiki.  Urgently.  In the end, well, you know that scene from Caddyshack with the candy bar in the pool?  Yeah, except this was not exactly a Baby Ruth.  


I quickly swept Kiki out of the bath and took her to the shower to clean up, but I've rarely seen her so upset; full on tears, screaming, flushed, the whole show.  It was like, well, like someone just crapped in her bath, I guess.  Hmm, when you put it like that I guess it's less surprising.  


But for someone who happily, nonchalantly, and almost daily will wander around with poop in her pants, it was a bit surprising that she was suddenly all sensitive about it.  I guess my little girl is becoming a woman.  Hmmm, alright, maybe it's a bit premature to jump to that conclusion.  Especially based on the evening's events.  So what lesson did we learn here?  Well...  I think we might need a new neti pot, that's for sure.  

Summer Reading List

A friend is newly pregnant and we decided to lend them some of our parenting books to help them begin building a crippling fear of failure as a parent.  I mean, you can't do this on your own, right?  


Anyway, we pulled them together and had about 22 that my wife had read and, well, the one that I read.  Well, I read most of it.  Alright, half of it.  Okay, I got through pregnancy, birth, and the first four months.  I think the scope of the book went from conception through college acceptance.  I mean, I got the gist of it, I flipped through to check out any pictures.  And for the record, there were no pictures.  


I know, can you blame me for giving up on it?  Seems to me like the book was making some dangerous assumptions of my prior knowledge. The author apparently assumed that I am a man who knows what a baby looks like, who can decipher the fine art of swaddling through words alone, and who can apply a diaper without a 17 stage illustrated manual and accompanying video walkthrough.  Needless to say, I quickly realized that this was not a parenting guide aimed at me, and took the responsible route of casting it aside and just winging it.  


Now, this may not be the advised approach to parenting, and it doesn't sell many books, but so far it seems to be working okay... 

Hmmm, maybe I should have read the chapter about not eating your young.  But then again, she does seem to enjoy it.  And she is delicious.

Caffeinated Baby

Last Sunday we were having a lazy morning after a late night traveling back from Indiana.  By the way, thanks to those smarter/more experienced parent readers who pointed out we should try driving in the night while Kiki sleeps for road trips, it worked much better... well, except for the hail storm in the Indiana countryside at one a.m., could have done without that.  


Anyway, my wife and I were busily downing liters of coffee in an effort to keep up with our daughter.  Seeing us gulping so much of it, she was understandably curious and learned that it was "hot" and, eventually, began calling it "affee".  She was quite insistent, and was beginning to interfere with our constant supply of caffeine.  


Being a smart, resourceful father (not to mention dashingly handsome, wickedly clever, and mysteriously scented of bananas), I decided I should let Kiki try coffee, since that would surely stop her asking for it.  Let me also explain that the coffee in our house is of a strength that places it somewhere between a solid and rocket fuel.  It typically has an oil slick on top.  We sometimes have espresso as a lighter option.  If we run out of coffee I am forced to amputate a toe to approximate the physical reaction of our morning coffee.  


Okay, so perhaps I exaggerate a bit, but the point it our normal cup o' joe is akin to a swift kick in the face.  Needless to say, I figured Kiki would sputter it out and learn a lesson that she did not like "affee" and allow us to enjoy it in peace.  Unfortunately, Kiki decided not to go along with my plan.  No, she took a sip and immediately smiled and began chanting "more affee" repeatedly.  Yeah.  So now we're making an extra cup every morning.  

Horrible Parents

Last night I pulled out the camera, dusted it off, and realized we had taken precisely zero pictures of our darling daughter for the last 50 days.  I know, it's borderline criminal.  However, in our defense it was a lot easier to photograph her before she could walk.  Hell, it was way easier before she could move.  It was more of a still life composition.  Now, well, it's more of an action shot of her trying desperately to jam her hands onto the camera lens.  So, we've gone from pictures like this, 8 months ago:

To, well, this:

Yeah, so maybe I understand why the camera hasn't been getting quite the same workout. 

What Is Wrong With You?

When doing some research for a previous post (hey, a lot of research goes into this blog, quit laughing!) I entered "onesie" into Google to check the spelling since, strangely, it does not appear in my spell check.  Well, I was slightly alarmed to see the second recommendation (thanks google!) was "Onesies for adults".  Being a curious sort, I clicked through, and discovered a new world of products with horrific names like "jumpinjammerz" and "funzee."  Now, in theory, the idea of footed coverall pajamas seems kind of appealing, in a not very appealing kind of way, but in practice, well...

Okay, maybe the headless onesie look is unfairly creepy looking.  Let's see how it looks with a person inside...  

Fine, so it's no less creepy.  In fact, it is actually way more creepy.  Super creepy.  In fact, I think I may need a shower.  


But wait, that's not all!  No, not even close.  No, the adult onesie is incredibly versatile;


You can support the armed forces:   

Now, just because they may not see it, don't think they won't feel your support.  It feels like a slight tingling in the back of your knees.

You can apparently, what, poop in it?

Awesome.  

And just because you're wearing an infant's outfit doesn't mean you can't look, uh, sexy?

Maybe it's sexy to someone?  Unfortunately, I think that someone is a pedophile.  

And don't think you disaffected, surly teenagers need to be left out.  There are onesies for them too!!! 

 

They have skulls.  Skulls are badass, right?

And for the imbeciles in your life (you know who they are), well we've got many options for them:

WE'RE FROGS!!!!

I'M FLYING!!!

MY JOINTS DON'T WORK RIGHT!!!!

Look, if you want to dress as a baby, be my guest.  Hell, throw a pair of Depends on under your onesie if it makes you happy.  But please, don't go out in public.  And, google, could you please leave me out of it?  

Moving On Up

Having a child, we were convinced our little condo was more than enough space for the three of us.  After all, it worked well for just the two of us, so adding a third, especially a tiny little person, would be easy-peasy.  Alas, what we didn't realize was that the child is only the tip of a plastic, battery powered, space hogging iceberg.  If you are unfamiliar with what I am talking about here's a three step process to understand. 


Step 1) Go to the house of someone who has a 6-12 month old.  Hopefully they're family or a friend or at least an acquaintance, but if you have to break into some family's home, well, sometimes we have to make a sacrifice for the sake of education.  


Step 2) Close your eyes and take a step.


Step 3) Open your eyes.  That thing you stepped on, that hurt like hell and caused you to stumble into that other thing, which made you totally lose your balance and go crashing into a pile of other crap.  Yeah, that's the plastic shit I'm referring to.


Diapers, diaper genies, changing pads, onesies, , bouncy chairs, swings, slings, cribs, exersaucers, playpens, books, toys, strollers, pack n' plays, etc. etc. etc.  They all infiltrate your life and fill up all the available space in your home, displacing the things you used to have, like floor space and furniture with hard edges.  


But possibly the most annoying thing of the whole process, more than the cost, more than the space crunch, even more than the fact your child will only enjoy any individual item for maybe 2 weeks, is that there is now a region of your brain that is dedicated to remembering and understanding words like "onesie," "exersaucer" and "pack n' play."  Yeah, that's a part of my brain I'm never getting back.  I'd try to kill the brain cells with alcohol, but the only clean glasses we have are sippy cups.  

OCD Toddler

It has been amazing to watch Kiki develop her motor and verbal skills.  It seems like every day she has a new skill and a couple new words (today's were "kayak" and "bird" and I don't know how she got along without them before).  As she learns and grows we're also slowly seeing her personality come out, and well, she seems to have mild OCD.  Nothing too alarming, just a mild penchant for cleanliness.  


For instance, she will request a bath about 4 times a day, though to be fair, oftentimes as a delaying tactic at nap and bed times.  She also loves to wash her hands and would happily do so every 20 minutes.  But most helpful/worrying is her constant efforts to throw things away.  


It all started innocently enough when my wife taught her the word "trash" and showed her how to throw away her dirty diaper.  Seemed like a useful skill, pretty much the first one she had learned in life.  But soon she was picking up anything she could find (blueberries, socks, wallets, small pets) and inquiring if it was trash, oftentimes while holding it over the trash can.  


However, sitting here with the newest season of Hoarders playing in the background, I guess I could think of a few things worse than a love of soap and order.  

Lost In Translation

So, Kiki is learning to speak, which is kind of great for us since we now have a clue what she wants rather than guesswork.  She is also learning Japanese from my wife.  Which is also kind of great.  The only problem is that I, alas, do not know Japanese.  Thus, when we were reading a book together (okay, I was reading the book and Kiki was chiming in at times) and came across a picture of a monkey, Kiki broke in with "Saru."  Naturally, being an ignorant gaijin, I corrected her with "Monkey" (also accepting baboon, primate, and capuchin), only to be informed by my wife that I was a jerk and an idiot, and Kiki was right.  So, basically, my daughter, at 17 months, is smarter than I am.  Awesome.  So now I'm afraid to correct her, since I now assume she is just speaking Japanese.  So now we'll read a book and whenever she chimes in with, well, anything really, I just tell her she's right, brilliant, and wonderful.  So, basically my wife is teaching her Japanese and I am teaching her gibberish.  And that is why it takes a village to raise a child, because the father is just fucking everything up.