Piss test

Today I was "randomly selected" for a drug test by my employer.  I had to leave work, go to the testing site, and pee in a cup.  Well, not quite that simple.  First I had to follow the nice lady, let's call her Sue, to the back to fill out some paperwork.  Then I was asked by Sue, who's job involves handling the urine of strangers every day, to empty my pockets.  I wasn't patted down or anything, they're just relying on my good nature/stupidity to prevent cheating, really.  I wonder how many people come in and pull out a bunch of stunt urine.

"Oh, that?  I always carry that around.  You know, until you carry a bag of piss you never realize how useful a thing it is to have."

Then there's the bathroom you have to provide your "sample" in.  No sink.  No lock on the door (a nice touch, really makes you feel more dignified about the whole process).  No flush handle on the toilet.  They even taped down the ceiling tiles, in case, what, you hide your pee in the ceiling?

But the most annoying thing missing from the "bathroom" (can you call it that if it's basically a pot to piss in)?  A shelf.  Just a small shelf would have been real nice.  But no, because who knows what kind of cheating you could engage in with a shelf?  So, you find yourself in the somewhat uncomfortable position of being done peeing with a cup of your own warm urine in your hand when you need to shake off and clean up.  Well, not clean up, since there's no sink, but you get the idea.  So you're given the choice of trying to put it on the floor without spilling it or trying to zip up while holding it and risk pouring all your pee on yourself.  It's not a big deal, but they have succeeded in making an annoying, slightly degrading experience even more so.

Anyway, I finally succeeded in making myself mildly presentable without pouring pee all over myself (huzzah for small goals!), came out of the bathroom and gave my cup to Sue.  She then poured it into separate containers that she sealed and had me initial and date, kind of the reverse of writing your name in the snow.  It will then be whisked off to a high tech laboratory for testing and analysis to determine if I engage in any illegal activities in my off hours, when my company isn't paying me... you know what though, it could be worse.  I could have Sue's job.